I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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