I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
