half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
