my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Please don't give away my fajitas
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
