The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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