Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
