I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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