wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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