My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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