Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I need a beard to bite.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
