The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
