remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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