Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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