im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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