Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
