It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
