i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
