a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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