this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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