i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
