she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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