We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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