She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
