Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize