; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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