You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
