The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
