I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
