Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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