i think my tv is drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
