So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
