good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
