Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
