and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
