im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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