Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
