why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
