Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
