Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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