Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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