She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
