I need help removing her.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
