oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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