o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
