i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
