I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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