dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
