Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
