She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
