so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
