Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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