I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
