the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
