i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize