I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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