I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
