I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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