What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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